Co-dependency… It’s an interesting topic. But, do you know The true meaning? Codependency can mean different things to different people. For instance, there is a codependence of the alcohol and substance abuse type. That is an entirely different subject. The codependency that I speak of is the psychological type. Warning: This blog may blow your mind! ? Are you codependent? Do you know someone that might be? 

Sadly, there is little awareness of codependency in today’s society. Therefore, many people suffer silently from it and may not even know that they have the issue. These people suffer day in and day out from this often debilitating condition.  

You will not find codependency in the clinical handbook of psychological disorders. This is because it is not a psychological disorder, neither is it a personality disorder as some people would believe. It is more of a behavioral trait. Codependency is an unhealthy reliance on others in order to achieve a sense of identity. 

Codependency has the ability to make your relationships dysfunctional since they become one-sided in which one person heavily relies on the other for meeting practically all of their emotional and confidence needs.  

How codependency affects your life and your relationships. 

As a codependent person, you’re constantly looking for approval from someone else. You do this because you didn’t get it when you were a child. You want to be seen. You want to be noticed. You want to be recognized for your achievements. This is mostly because you were not noticed or recognized when you were a child. It doesn’t always have to be from a parental relationship. It could be from someone who is of great importance to you, such as a mentor or someone who raised you.  

This may have continued into adulthood in more mature relationships. Your significant other may not have given you the attention that you needed. They may not have been intimate with you, and by intimacy, I don’t mean just sexually, I mean conversationally emotionally, etc. Your significant other did not feed your soul. They were emotionally unavailable to you. They did not connect with you. They left you feeling unfulfilled, unloved and used.  

How does codependency transpire? 

Maybe your parents were emotionally unavailable when you were a child. You never felt like you could talk to them. One or both of your parents may have abandoned you. Your parents may have divorced. Your father may have left. Your mother may have left. They may have been killed in a car accident. You were left alone in the world. Growing up with feelings of abandonment can form codependency. 

Many individuals suffer from physical abuse as children. This can also manifest codependency. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse can certainly form codependency in any person. When you become an adult, you feel like you must always be doing something in order to please the other person or that person may leave you. Do you feel as if you’ll never be good enough? Do you feel that you always must be doing things for other people to prove your worth? This is the way that you “earrn” love and attention and to keep someone’s love as a codependent.  

How do I know if I am codependent? Let us count the ways. 

• Low self-esteem – Feeling like you’re not good enough and constantly picking at yourself? You feel guilty about spending time and money on yourself or doing anything for yourself. You may also be a perfectionist and if everything isn’t 100% perfect you blame yourself and doubt your worth.  
• People Pleaser – You’re a people pleaser. You’re always striving to make everyone happy. There’s nothing wrong with that to a point, obviously. However, these things must have boundaries. It goes without saying that we cannot please everyone all the time. It would kill us to try. I know this from experience. I am very much a perfectionist and a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy and to get along but I have learned through time and my path to discovering freedom from codependency that I cannot please everyone. It is impossible, and more importantly, it is unhealthy. You must let go of some things. We cannot continue to sacrifice our own needs and our feelings for someone else. How many of you are doing this right now, today? How do you think this is affecting your life? How do you think this is affecting your health? How do you think this is affecting your relationships? What is left of us if we are giving it all to others? How can you be helpful and significant to other people if we have nothing left of ourselves to give? 
• Inadequate Boundaries – If you don’t know what boundaries are, then you should probably listen up here. We all know what physical boundaries are. Emotional boundaries are pretty much the same. You have to cut yourself off at some point as mentioned above in the previous paragraph. Imagine a wall between you and the things that you have been sacrificing all of your energy on. Imagine your feet standing on masking tape on the floor. You cannot cross the tape. On the other side of the tape is the person you’ve been giving all of your energy to. It’s the child that you’ve been doing everything for. It’s the coworker you just can’t say no to. It’s the school moms or dads that are asking you to volunteer just one more time. Plant your feet and stand your ground. It’s time to change. You can not cross the line. You must say no. 
• Knee-jerk reaction – Does this sound like anyone you know? Many codependents are involved in everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. For example, A group of people at the office is having a conversation and you find yourself getting upset because you don’t agree with what they’re saying you may choose to defend your view and butt your way into the conversation. The things that are being said offend you on a higher level because your “floor tape” is missing. There needs to be a boundary there. The way you can change your thinking here is to be more optimistic and tell yourself this is just the opinion of your colleagues and it has nothing to do with you. You are not a part of their conversation, therefore you should not take offense by it. 
• Caregiving – This is when someone else’s problem is always your problem. Do you find yourself wanting to help people so much that you turn your back on yourself and your own personal needs to make the other person’s situation work for them? Once again, it is okay to help people, but if it seems excessive it probably IS! You need to back up a little bit and re-evaluate your motivation. Some of us also need to learn the hard way. Do you have a friend or a family member that you find yourself always having to pull out of trouble or always wanting to help? This person might have a specialty for drawing in drama and you’re never going to win that battle. There comes a time in someone’s life when they have to take control of their own situation. Until they do that, no one can help them, not even you. 
• Control Freak – Hey, I never said any of these things were going to be easy to swallow. The facts remain… You’re a control freak. There’s not a lot to explain here. Do you find yourself wanting to control every situation? Do you have poor boundaries? This can present in so many different ways. You might be a workaholic, you might be very territorial, maybe constantly fixated on your family schedule, you may be very particular about your children’s discipline, or you may never want your significant other to go anywhere without you. Control freaks sometimes also have addictive personalities. Not having healthy outlets, we many times tend to stuff our feelings. This way we feel less exposed. Control helps a codependent person feel safe with no surprises. Controlling other people and their behaviors help codependents feel they can manage their life and their feelings.  
• Dysfunctional Communication – Codependents find it difficult to talk about their feelings and needs. If you truly don’t know what to think or how you feel about the issue, how can you begin to heal or have any kind of healthy communication or relationships? However, if you harbor how you feel and/or what you need because you don’t want to hurt someone else or rock the boat is a different situation. You’re avoiding confrontation. We should have no problem saying, “Hey I don’t feel good about that”, or, “I think we should try this instead”. But, it’s difficult for us to do that. By doing this we are only lying to ourselves and deceiving other people. What everyone else thinks or what we think I need is okay, but really it’s not. This is no one’s fault but our own. IT IS OKAY TO SPEAK UP and YOU MUST SPEAK UP!!! Your sanity and the strength and endurance of your relationships depend on it. 
• You Obsess – Humans that are codependent obsess about their relationships. This is because of their dependency on those relationships as well as their thoughts and doubts. They may also get really stressed out if they think they have made a wrong choice or done something wrong. We put love on such a high mantle because we desire it so much since we had such a large absence of it when we were young. We have such a desperate need for a loving bond and closeness to escape the pain and loneliness that has scarred our hearts and minds. 
• Denial – The major factors don’t have any behavioral retreat. Many people deny they have an issue, nor do they actually realize it. We cannot begin the path to healing until we face our reality head-on. This is when we can truly begin to change and see the positive transformations in our lives. Often, some people will even shift the blame to others or the situation. Back to some of the other points in which we are trying to fix other people and taking the focus off of ourselves where the true issue lies. This is a cycle that will never end until you ask for help. Fist bump if this is you – “I’m fine. I’m good. I’m great. I’m all set here.” Liar! You’re in denial. Are you really good? Are you really fine? What do you need? It’s okay to ask for love. It’s okay to ask for intimacy. It’s okay to ask for more attention and time for yourself. These things are healthy. Be honest with yourself and the people that love you. There IS a better way. If you do not have a good support system, GET ONE! 
• Issues With Intimacy – This is not just about sex. This is also about being close and open with someone. It’s about communication on a deeper level. There are reasons codependents have issues with this. You might worry and feel like you’ll be judged by the other party if you truly open up and say how you feel and what you need. Meanwhile, others may be confused. He/she may think that you don’t want to be intimate or close. It’s a scary thing to feel all of these emotions. However, we must learn to trust those we love. If they truly love us, they will be patient, kind, and understanding. They will truly want to hear us and learn from us. They will want to fulfill our needs and help us to become more intimate so that our relationship may be more fortified. We must trust our own feelings and needs. We must open our hearts and let our desires be known. What a wonderful feeling to say these things out loud to those we love! How liberating! 
• Painful emotions – Being codependent is stressful. It can cause emotions that leave us feeling guilt and low self-esteem, which in turn can peek our anxiety and fear of being judged, rejected, and abandoned. This, in turn often leads to making poor choices which, (in the mind of a codependent) is capped by failure or trapped by being close or being alone. Sometimes emotions even lead to anger depression and despair. Any of these things can leave us just feeling numb in general. 

What can I do if I am codependent? How can I modify my life?  

There are many ways codependents can modify their lives. The most important things you can do is to make the decision to NOT let it dictate your life! It certainly doesn’t need to!  

• Set goals for yourself 
• Start small 
• Follow through 
• Communicate 
• Take care of you 
• Make daily changes 
• Get a support system 
• Work with a life and relationship coach (I would love to help you!) 
• Make yourself accountable 
• Don’t give up 

If this blog struck a chord with you and you would like more information on working with me on a deeper level for codependency, please choose a time on my calendar for a free discovery call! ✨#codependent #codependence #livingwithcodependency #takeyourlifeback #changenow #codependency