L-O-V-E… That four-letter word we all know so well. There are many different stages of life, but there is one thing we all internally long for; to love and be loved.  

The greatest thing you’ll every learn is just to love and be loved in return. 

David Bowie 

Finding love is not always easy. Most of us have gone to war with love and have the battle wounds to show for it. Often, these scars can make it difficult for us to love and trust again.  

Finding love doesn’t have to be dreadful unless we make it that way. Remember, dating is a big game so you might as well have some fun with it. If you are not having fun looking for love, you might as well quit now because you are not going to be any fun to be around. That kind of aura is not attractive to anyone. Believe me! 

Most of us have gone to war with love and have the battle wounds to show for it. 

Crystal Lacy 

So, give yourself a break. Relax and have a good time. Have a little fun with this. Don’t be so stiff about the whole idea. Remember, once you find your dream partner this whole thing will be over with. When you think about it, it’s kind of exciting meeting someone new and learning all about them. If it doesn’t work out, who cares… on to the next. You may even make a new friend out of it. Each person you meet that isn’t your match just moves you one step closer to the person that IS!!!  

At last, you have decided to open your heart and actively search for a partner. There are so many resources available today that were not present twenty years ago. There are so many people in this world. So, why can’t you find love? Why can’t you land a date? Why doesn’t anyone want to be with you? You’ve probably been through some of these questions: 

• What’s wrong with me? 
• I’m not pretty/handsome enough 
• I don’t make enough money 
• I’m too old 
• I’m not smart enough 
• I’m too young 
• I’m not cool enough 
• I don’t deserve her/him 

Do you think that these things are what is keeping you from your true love? Have you ever heard the phrase, “When you least expect to find love, it will appear”? Well, my friend, there is some truth to this.  

 

We often look so intensely and put forth so much effort to make everything perfect that we end up missing the point. It’s not a race nor a contest, though sometimes it may feel that way. Nevertheless, it’s a good idea to ask yourself some questions. 

1. Why am I looking for love? This may sound simple, but it is the foundation for everything and it is very powerful. From here stems  many questions – hopefully you have answered your first question so now comes the next question which, by the way you cannot ask until you answer the first.  
2. For what purpose? 
3. What role am I looking to fulfill in a partner? 
4. Why am I bringing to the table for a partner? 

Now, if you feel like you are having some trouble finding quality dates – here are some good questions to ask yourself: 

1. What is stopping you from being in a relationship? This may sound silly, but it is a real question you need to ask. Amuse yourself with an answer… a real one. 
2. What is stopping you from enjoying dating? 
3. What is stopping you from finding a partner? 
4. How do you feel when you are on a date? 
5. What is the inner dialogue that is in your head when you are on a date? 
6. What do you believe might happen if you go on a date with someone? 
7. Are you hoping to fall in love and be with that person forever, or are you simply looking to fill a void in your life? 
8. Is marriage what you seek and love has little to do with it?  
9. Am I physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and financially ready for a committed relationship? 

These might seem like strange questions, but believe me, they are necessary to consider for the end result. 

Take a good look at these answers. Have you been sabotaging yourself? If it turns out that you are sabotaging yourself, there is always a reason. You must have some benefit for this. That may sound silly, but it is usually done unconsciously. 

1. Self-Sabotage

Why do we do it???? There must be a benefit to us or we would not do it. We do this because there is some benefit to us. Unconsciously, there is an emotional, physical, or otherwise gain to us. Yes, it’s a little weird to think about but once again you more than likely are doing this unknowingly.  

What are these things? They can be many.  

The X-Factor 

You may not have let go of your ex You may be holding on to that memory of that person and you are not ready to move on you are sabotaging any new relationship.  

Things you could be doing if this is you include: 

• Talking about your ex on dates/phone calls with potential dates. 
• Still actively seeing/dating your ex when the relationship has ended. 
• Grieving your ex (this is okay – you are just not ready for a new relationship). 
• Doing things (errands, chores, etc.) for your ex. to try to stay in their favor. 
• Allowing them to still call and email and visa versa. 
• Stalking their social media. 

What needs to happen for you to be at peace with that relationship? You may never move on until you have answered this and many other questions and work through these issues. Especially if the relationship is dead. There are numerous other things that need to be addressed here. 

This is where coaching can be tremendously helpful. 

2. Low Self-Esteem

Many people have this issue. Please remember, you have every right to higher standards. Don’t downplay yourself. You must also remember that confidence attracts confidence. People are attracted to confidence. They flock to it. It’s sexy. If you don’t know how to be confident or have lost your confidence, you need to read some self-help books or reach out to me for some one-on-one coaching. Confidence is key for being successful in almost anything in life.  

3. Lack of Self-Love

If you don’t love yourself enough, how do you expect anyone else to love you? You may be looking for someone else to fill what makes you feel empty in the first place (the void). Often, those that are incapable of loving themselves, push others away, (most of the time unconsciously). They also, at times, don’t understand how anyone could ever love them. It’s tough when one has been in a previous relationship and has not felt love from their partner. It makes one feel like no matter what they do, they will never be worthy of love. However, we must come to accept the love that is bestowed upon us. We should all believe that we are worthy of love. 

4. You’re Not Being “You”

“Be yourself”. You’ve heard that one before, right? Well, it’s true. Don’t change to impress someone else. First off, most quality dates can tell when you’re a phony. Just be your damn self! No one wants to be that guy – or wait, the other guy. What happens when you gain a partner that falls in love with “the other you”? Then, you have to try to fake that person forever? Ugh. No. You might even ask yourself why you’re boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t committing or the relationship isn’t going any further.  

The truth is… they don’t know who the fu@$ you are!! You are always putting on a front! They can’t figure you out. They don’t know if they like you or not. On the other hand, do you really want to be with someone that doesn’t love you for who YOU really are? That’s not what real love is! 

5. You’re Looking for “Perfection”

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want. You should know what you want, but to expect the perfect person is just unrealistic. If you’re looking for 5’6″, blonde hair, blue-eyed bombshell, Charlize Theron look alike, you are going to find sad disappointment, my friend. Just be realistic. You need to be a little less harsh and a little more forgiving or you will be alone forever. 

6. You’re Pushing It

You pretty much have the tux on order after your first date. You’re talking about marriage to people you’re dating. You can’t wait to be married. You can’t wait to be in a relationship. You’re pushing the issue. Maybe your family and peers are also pushing the issue and you feel pressured.  

People can feel this, and believe me when I say that this is a HUGE turn-off in most cases. Tone that shi* down and take your time! Have a little fun with it and be at peace with finding a partner. You’re not going to find anyone that making that kind of noise. 

7. You Don’t Know What You Want (Because You Don’t Know Who You Are).

In this case, you need to be open and spontaneous. This is the best way to find out who you are. Go with the flow. How else are you going to find out who you are and what you want? No one can tell you that. Be extremely open to new places and experiences. Date people, you would never think of dating. Make new friends. Hang out in different places – places you wouldn’t normally go.  

When something isn’t working, you need to change what you’re doing. Switch it up! Things are not happening for you, so change your scene. Keep in mind what kind of partner would bring out the best in you. That is your foundation. 

8. You Don’t Know What They Want.

If you are a man, you may need to read more books on what women want. If you are a woman, visa versa. Educate yourself. Don’t go in blind. Don’t be an idiot and then wonder why you don’t know what’s happening. According to Psychologytoday.com, Men today (mostly) have an innate tendency to protect and provide. They (men), for the most part, long to be respected, loved, and to provide financially. Most women focus on compassion, respect, trust, a sense of humor, security, confidence, integrity, and emotional availability from a man. Men need to see themselves as the woman’s protector and likewise, a woman needs to feel this from a man. A woman needs to feel that she has the commitment of a man in a long-term relationship as does the man. Most of these biological traits go back to our evolutionary roots. 

9. Fear of Rejection

You cannot hide behind a wall of fear for the rest of your life. Rejections will happen, but if you do not put yourself out there, you will never succeed. Risks must be taken in order for any action to take place. Many people fear rejection. Do not let fear interfere with your goal of finding love. Life will not wait for you. It will pass you by whether you are ready or not. 

Life will not wait for you. It will pass you by whether you are ready or not. 

Crystal Lacy 

Dating and finding new love can make us feel very vulnerable. However, that fear must be overcome. The more time that passes and we give in to this fear, the more devastation will be caused because of it. Don’t think, just act. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? They will say no. So what?!? On to the next! That just gets you that much closer to the person you are meant to date or take a chance with.  

If you have some true fears of rejection or otherwise, coaching may be a good avenue to explore. There are some great coping skills and techniques to help you overcome this anxiety.  

10. You’re Disengaged

You’re so closed off that you cannot really make this work. You have some scars that are not allowing your walls to come down. Something is keeping you from being happy. Something or someone has broken your trust and now you have trouble with trust. You’re trying, but it doesn’t look like it on the outside.  

You’ll need to evaluate your situation and begin to discover what your true needs are before you continue down this path. Otherwise, you will not be successful in your endeavors. Refer back to the sabotaging yourself paragraph. Make a list of what behaviors may be holding you back. If you don’t trust people, you can still find love. You just need to learn how to trust again. There are multiple ways to learn this. Remember: Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You have as much right as they do. You should be patient with their questions as they should be patient with yours.  

11. Love Is a Game & You Don’t Know How To Play

As I said before, love is a game. Dating is a game. It’s supposed to be fun. Stop being so serious. Don’t take things so personally. If you get a no, move on to the next. BE SEXY!!! Love is sexy. It’s supposed to be. No one wants to show up to a date with that dude in the Dockers slacks with his white dad sneakers and yellow polo shirt. Also, no one wants to show up to a date with that chick wearing the turtle neck sweater, button slacks, and mom’s flats from 1989. ? 

Guuuuurl!!!! go get that slinky black backless short dress and black heels. Put on some red lipstick and let that hair down wild! Guys, get a nice button-down (from the past year) and some denim (from the past year) with some stylish boots or casual sneaks (past year). Put some effort into your hair and groom that face. Don’t overdo it with cologne or perfume.  

Build up your static… be fun, flirtatious, and spontaneous. Go to the dance floor and have a whirl. Have a couple of drinks. Order something exotic off the menu. Smile a lot. Have a fun conversation.  

12. You Don’t Have The Time

Who are you kidding? You don’t have time for this. You really don’t. You are much too involved in your career, your social circle, your friends, family, hobbies, or whatever it might be. You may be a workaholic. You wake up early to take care of loose ends. You stay up to work on things that need to be taken care of.  

There’s nothing wrong with that, but you should really put love on hold until you are ready to invest in it. If you don’t, it will just not work or it will simply end in devastation. This will not be fair to a new prospect in your life.  

Key Takeaways 

1. Check your level of readiness. 
2. Make ready yourself for success. 
3. Don’t be a stick in the mud. 
4. Have fun with it. 
5. If you are self-sabotaging, stop that shit! 
6. Realize your self worth. 
7. Learn waise to boost your self-esteem (don’t underestimate your potential). 
8. Practice self-love and self-care consistently. 
9. Be your damn self. Nobody likes a poser. 
10. Be realistic. Don’t expect the fairy tale. 
11. Don’t be pushy and/or rush things. 
12. Know who you are and what you want. 
13. Know what you’re going after and what they want. Educate yourself. 
14. Stop fearing the worst and focus on ways you will be successful. 
15. Evaluate your needs and why you might be disengaged. Find ways to work through this. 
16. Play the game and be sexy, spontaneous, and FUN!!! 
17. Move on if you don’t have time for love in your life. 

There are many “in-between” spaces in dating, relationships, and marriages. A relationship coach can be very helpful in a one-on-one setting, or in a couple setting. Please reach out if you have any questions about relationships and/or coaching. I am happy to answer any of those questions.